Thursday, September 30, 2010

Finding Myself

It seems that I am learning more and more about myself every day.
Like just now, I had to put on music to get my mind ready to blog, regardless of the fact were not supposed to have electronics out in school. But my MP3 and my cell phone are out for everyone to see on the table as I type this blog.

I even learn things about myself through my Transitions class because we're always taking surveys to help us find out more about ourselves.

There are a lot of changes that I need to be making but I'm just too lazy and I don't have the energy. I know that I shouldn't be making excuses but, I probably have a thyroid problem just like my mother, that I need medication for. This problem is probably the cause of me being so tired all the time. I wanna get the medication soon because I hate feeling like this. I hate not having the energy to do what I wanna do every day.
My schedule after school goes something like this:
I get home and I'm exhausted. I get comfortable and then I end up watching TV for too long or falling asleep. Then I end up doing my chores and homework too late and then my mom gets home and I have to eat dinner and shower, and then even though I'm tired, I stay up late to have more free time to read and write. And the vicious cycle continues.

I'm getting really bad. While I was away in South Carolina, I got very fat. I was eating constant junk every hour on the hour and when I got home, I found to my shocking horror that I couldn't fit into jeans that I wore for most of last year. But, I forced myself into them and now they're actually ripping because they can't contain my folds of fat.
I don't excercise enough. I mean, I do walk every day but it's not enough because the fattening foods I eat every day doesn't help and defeats the purpose of walking.
I don't like seeing myself naked before a shower because it disgusts me ... To look at myself and all the extra baggage that weighs me down ...
And I want to put on makeup every day and do my hair differently but because I'm so exhausted every day, I don't have the energy to do so.

The only good thing I've done is keeping my head in the books and doing my work and doing all my chores when asked of me.

I've also discovered that I am not ready for a relationship, at all.
I am not happy with my self image so how can I be happy with somebody else ?
I am happy with myself as a person, but health and image wise, not so much.
I do need to work on myself more, and I know I have lots more to find out about myself and my inner being but, my health is most important right now.
I just like food and I can't help myself when you put something good in front of me, like a piece of chocolate cake or a big pizza pie with tons of meat on it.
I know I need to cut down and eat more salads, fish, and chicken.
Although, I have made some subtle changes, like eating more wheat bread and eating turkey bacon, instead of regular bacon.

I just know that I need to make some changes, but I just don't have the energy.
But I am so thankful to have a bunch of people who care about me and are there to support me in all the decisions I make.

That is all